Saturday, July 11, 2009

Warning 7/12/09

Never list your dog as one of your children in the newspaper.

I was rearranging Regan's baby book at a doctor's appointment when a passing acquaintance picked up the birth announcement from six years ago.

"Dave and Christy joyfully announce the birth of their daughter, Regan. Regan joins siblings Wesley age 2 and Zoe age 8." The person I barely know reads. "That's sweet."

Then the person cocks their head. "I didn't know you had Zoe."

As I attempted to extricate my fingers from the double sided tape I was using, I crankily answered, "Yeah, well, what can I do with the evil idiot? Once we adopted her, she really turned out to be a total witch. She's won't stop licking our toes and she's got really bad gas. If I have to clean up her messes one more time, she's going to live outside."

When I looked up from the tape, the acquaintance looked like she was having a heart attack. "I don't believe you." She gasped. "How could you adopt a kid with an attitude like that and you a social worker!"

It was then I realized they thought Zoe was human and not the totally meglo-maniacal Australian Shepherd. I tried to correct her error but she hurried off, aghast at my insensitivity.

I'm expecting a call from Child Protective Services soon.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I'm bbbbaaaccckkkk!

Yes, I'm back in the saddle again.

So much has changed over the last six months. I am now a certified elementary school teacher. I start the new school year in about 3 weeks and will be assigned to a Pre-Kindergarten class in my county's school district.

Very sad about leaving the Tree House but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. That includes insurance for family.

Please stay tuned. To celebrate my return from the Great Beyond (or at least the neighboring county), I'm going to be doing a yarn contest.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


It's with a heavy heart that I'm discontinuing this blog for awhile. My job, kids, volunteering, knitting, and other commitments have begun to overwhelm me. I won't delete Hissyknit but this is my last post until my life gets back to normal--whatever that is.

I've had fun doing this and I wish all of you reading Hissyknit well.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Weekly Warning 2/8/09

Replace broken lids as soon as possible.

Dave broke the cover to our sugar bowl a couple of weeks ago.

Since then, I have poured coffee into the sugar bowl. I have caught Regan licking the sugar out of the bowl. Zack the Collie had a suspicious white dusting across his snout. I don't think it's cocaine but rather Splenda. My newly picked flowers have sugar inside after Wesley sneezed in the kitchen near the sugar bowl. Not to be outdone, I hit the sugar spoon with a wet sponge which caused the spoon to flip the sugar which landed in my hair. Wet suger plus hair equals concrete.

I've bought more sugar and Splenda in the last month to finance a small third world country. So I am going to bite the bullet and buy a new sugar bowl complete with top so Zack will not have to go sugar-rehab.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Weekly Warning 1/31/09

Wear a pair of non-hole-y underwear while vacuuming your car.

Dear People Who Own the Vacuum at the Service Station,

Please find enclosed several bills:

The first bill is for $34.95. This is to replace my pants as the hole in your vacuum hose sucked my pants off my leg.

The second bill is $1.09. This is to replace the Diet Dr. Pepper your hose sucked up and then threw up on my black leather boots.

The next bill is for $54.99. Cost of replacement to aforementioned boots.

The fourth bill is for $65.00. Cost of steam cleaning my brand new car’s carpet to remove regurgitated Dr. Pepper.

The last is for $15925.00. This is the cost of relocation across the country to head off any embarrassment suffered by me on account of your monster vacuum and your insensitive employees.

Please note that I know that adults should not wear Scooby Doo underwear in case something like this happens but this does negate the fact that your vacuum cleaners are destructive.

Pantlessly yours,

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Weekly Warning 1/25/09

Everything changes but everything stays the same.

Wesley was singing "Figure 8". You know, from Schoolhouse Rock from the '70s. "Figure 8 is really great..." (My personal favorite is "The Shot Heard 'Round the World".) I was so excited to find out that Wesley's school was using these educational classics.

Dave even dug up our old VHS tapes so Wesley could listen to them. I started reminiscing on how some of them really helped me pass some tests. Remember the Preamble song? We, the People, in order to form a more perfect union.... Saved my butt in a college Civics exam. "Really, Wes," I started waxing poetically, "it'll help you in history, math, grammar and more! I'm glad your teacher uses them."

Wesley, very innocently, tells me his core teacher (the one who teaches reading, writing and more) doesn't use them but his music teacher does--as an example of a chorus.

I guess it shouldn't matter where he learns US expansion in the 1800's. It could be by book or maybe by learning "Elbow Room". I just shut up, be grateful and hum "Conjunction Junction".

Monday, January 19, 2009

Give me a Sed-a-give

My new project was the Sunday Market Shawl from Knit Fish. It's free from her site. Beautiful pattern but at the end you drop stitches. I was shaking like a leaf and seriously needed some wine before I did it.

I used a totally different yarn than what she used. I'm desperately trying to use up my stash before it consumes my basement. The yarn I'm using is Berroco Cotton Twist in Morandi Mix colorway (about 4 skeins). This yarn is 70% cotton with 30% rayon. It has a gorgeous sheen to it but it's splitty.

While I was knitting it.

Finished shawl.

FYI, the title is from "Young Frankenstein" if you didn't catch the reference. If you have not seen it, please drop everything and go buy it.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Weekly Warning 1/18/09

Before dressing your child as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, check their pocket for contraband.

It's cold. The inaccurate weather chick from our local news finally predicted something right. Friday morning saw 14 degrees with the wind putting it at 3.

Regan and Wes were very eager to show off their new parkas to their friends at school. For once, they displayed patience as I dressed them. By the time I was done, they could not put their back packs on so I did it for them.

When I helped Regan, I noticed a bulge on her side. I almost let it go. I mean I know she's not a Mafia hit kindergartner packing a gun but then I remembered, "It's Regan." A quick pat down discovered a Mylar balloon and kazoo left over from her cousin's part a week ago for show and tell. This caused a flurry of whining--mostly by me. Why would she bring a balloon in to school? How did she stuff up her shirt when I wasn't looking? Why does Mylar balloons have to last so long? Why does my husband conveniently disappear during these times?

Being a prudent parent and that Regan squealed, I checked Wesley. I discovered a packet of gummy bears, three pieces of gum, some mini Milky Way bars, his "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" dvd and two video game cartridges but no Nintendo DS game. He howled like he was just sentenced to life. He told me that I was infringing upon his rights. He's seven years old and blast that social studies curriculum for teaching the Constitution.

Despite the fact Wesley has two cavities and the kazoo would drive Ray's teacher crazy, they whined the whole long trip to school.

I swear I'm getting a blanket search warrant next winter. I also ate most of the evidence I seized from Wesley so he has no cause to appeal. I don't watch Law and Order for my health.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Charity Pitch

I've been working social services for almost 15 years. I've worked at non-profits, government agencies, the courts, and more. I now work at the Tree House and it is now Raffle Time. For $10 a ticket, you are in the running for $10,000 in cold hard cash. Only 2500 tickets will be sold so you have a 1 in 2500 chance of winning. You do not have to be present to win nor a resident of Georgia. You do need to be over 18 years old to play.

Go here to buy a ticket and be sure to put "Christy" in the comment form. If I sell a certain amount, I get a paid day off.

I don't usually hawk stuff on my blog but the Tree House is an awesome non-profit. We provide a safe house for child victims of sexual and physical abuse to come and talk in a supportive environment. We also do child abuse prevention activities and more.

So please, please consider donating.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

CB Wannabe Chicken Skillet

I love eating at Cracker Barrel. They recently introduced a chicken dish that is absolutely fabulous. I tried to emulate it--it doesn't taste quite the same but it's close.

1 bag of Potatoes O'Brien, semi-defrosted (no huge frozen hunks--just very cold)
3-4 chicken breasts, diced and cooked (I boiled them until there was no pink)
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 stick of butter melted
Minced garlic
1/4 cup milk
1/2 cup sour cream
2 cups shredded cheese (I used fat free Cheddar but whatever floats your boat)
2 sleeves of Ritz crackers crushed

Mix the soup, butter, garlic, salt/pepper, milk, sour cream, and 1 cup of shredded cheese together. Add entire bag of Potatoes O'Brien and cooked chicken. Mix well and pour into a greased Pyrex dish. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Take it out and sprinkle Ritz cracker crumbs and remaining cheese over and return to over. Melt cheese and then serve.

You could add a veggie like Cracker Barrel does in a vain attempt to make it healthy. They add large chunks of broccoli. Which is convenient and makes it easy when I pick them out.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Weekly Warning 1/11/09

Paint plus Cat equals CSI art.

Wesley is incredibly crafty. I mean in the arts crafty way not the sneaky way--not yet, he's only seven years old. He's at his happiest when he has a project going. He loves going out to his work bench and designing stuff. Who can forget last year's Mother's Day present? A bench for my garden that is six inches off the ground. Or maybe the "new and improved yarn winder". The five foot board with a nail on the bottom painted blue and green.

He was at it again. I was at work and Dave had the enviable task of watching Wesley and Regan. I drove up to see Wesley covered in red house paint and Francis the Fat Cat with a pink streak down her head. Trust me, Francis does not have a natural pink streak and Wesley usually does not resemble a pepperoni.

"Daddy said I could paint." Wesley called out cheerfully as he shook his paintbrush. The pink splatters were peppering my sidewalk. "So I was 'perminty." Translation: Experimenting.

I walked into my garage and almost screamed for Dave to call 911. A pink outline of a feline body was artistically arranged on the garage floor. It had streaks of blue zipping from the sides as if it illustrate electrocution.

Francis, it seems, was sleeping the sleep of the dead when Wesley used our leftover red door paint to paint around the cat. He was in the process of adding a white outline when Francis awoke to find herself in the middle of juvenile crime scene. Understandably she panicked and sent my junior Gus Grissom's scene into chaos.

And because it was house paint, Francis the Fat Pink Cat is forever memorialized on my garage floor.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Hat for Me!

From the pattern on Knitting School Dropout's, it's her Really Warm Hat. Knit with Twinkle Chunky in Dusty Pink, coincidentally it's the same yarn and color of my Victory Scarf so I actually have a matching hat and scarf. What an accomplishment for me!

Regan is doing her "Mater" face (from the movie Cars if you don't know who Tow Mater is)

I knit this booger (the hat, not Regan) up in one night while Dave made supper for the youthful offenders.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Weekly Warning 1/3/09

Certain products should never be combined.

Common sense tells you that alcohol and Benedryl should not be taken together. Likewise you should never use your lighter to check for a natural gas leak. Or how about the clear warning that you should never operate heavy machinery while using Ambien?

Well, let's add my unintended coupling to the vast array of warnings.

Every night for the past twenty years, I've put Carmex on my lips before bed. Considering I leave my window open despite the weather, it is a prudent thing to do. Otherwise I'd wake up to chapped lips.

The strange Georgia weather is causing my skin to be wonky. I've developed a mouth ulcer bump on the side of my mouth. Nothing major--just enough to be annoying. I dab a bit of Ambesol Jr. on the bump.

And then it happened. I added my nightly ritual of Carmex. Carmex and Ambesol Jr. should never be mixed. Oh, it does not explode or even smoke. What it does do is completely numb your lips which makes you open and close your mouth to ward off the mix. I looked like a horrible example of a silicone lip injection gone bad.

And then you swallow. The numbness starts at the tip of your tongue and goes down your throat. Not pleasant. My husband thought it was funny when I told my kids to good night and it came out "Vooz Nig". Big weinie head. I told him to "Fuz Ug". Translation: Shut up.

So alert to the US Consumer Product Safety Board to issue yet another inane warning.