Thursday, June 21, 2012

Warning: There is nothing as bad as a lying and opportunistic cat.

Photo of Suspect

Phat Phrancis is an annoying animal.  The cat showed up several years ago after being tossed out of a moving car.  Fortunately Phrancis did not suffer major injuries--just a scraped tail.  I am still on the look out for that car after all these years to exact justice.

Anyway, Regan saw the incident and immediately wanted to keep the cat.  To my detriment along with my dwindling bank account, I agreed.  I have and still maintain that Phrancis is an annoying animal.  I present my evidence.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number One

Her first visit to the vet was to treat the tail that had been scraped during the throwing-out-the-window incident.  He was a new vet and probably had never passed the feline birds and bees course at vet school.  Doctor Whoever pronounced Phrancis pregnant. 

To some people, my next question might invite shock or anger but to others
  • who are born not cat people
  • who tried to be cat people but failed miserably for a variety reasons
  • who have little money in a checking account
  • who really can't handle two dogs, two kids, four hermit crabs and two cats
they will understand my inquiry.  For the record, I am all four.

I asked Dr. Whoever about (ick factor coming) a feline abortion.  Yes, I am Catholic and according to the tenets of my faith I shoud be adamantly against abortions.  I still feel the need to go to Confession even when I write this.  Dr. Whoever apparently was very pro-life and very upset that I even ask the question.  I felt like dirt that clings to worms after they've eaten through a compost pile.

Bottom line:  Phrancis was spayed and not even preggers.  Her pregnancy scare was an apparent attempt to solicit sympathy to the tune of $146.00 for spaying, shots and an overnight visit.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Two

Photo of Suspect Weaving and Intent to Initiate Fall

Her second visit to the vet was for a broken leg (while she indeed break her leg, it's why she did it--I had tripped over her while she was weaving in between my legs and I called a nasty four letter word.  She was fine when I left her in the driveway).  I have no idea how she managed to break her leg--she's a cat for Pete's sake.  Aren't they supposed to be graceful?  And she also found Regan who turned her big blue eyes to me and asked if "to fix Phrancis".

Somehow she turned this into a week-long camp out in my living room.  She was hand fed by Regan while my dogs who I loved more than most people had to stay outside.  Phrancis was pampered to an inch of her conniving little life.

Bottom Line: $773 worth vet bills.  Oh, Dave had just been laid off from his job.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Three

After dropping off a dead chipmunk near Regan, Regan concluded we were not feeding her good cat food if she had to find her own dinner. 

$24 a month for a schmancy cat food while my beloved dogs exist on Pedigree and Fit and Trim.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Four
Last week Regan comes racing into the living room to tell me that Phrancis is really, really hurt.  When we closed our garage door, Phrancis was sleeping on top of it.  When it closed, she got stuck.  I ran outside to see Phrancis dragging her back two legs behind.  She was not yowling in pain so I, in a panic, concluded that Phrancis was paralyzed.  I called our vet (who is not that same as Dr. Whoever from Exhibit One) who told me to bring her in. 

Regan kept reassuring Phrancis that we'd take care of her.  If she needed a feline wheelchair, "Mommy would get it for her".  If she needed help to learn how to walk again, Mommy would do it.

Bottom Line:  $135 to be diagnosed with a bruised paw.  Yes, that's right--one bruised paw--not two but one paw.

Photo of subject stretching on alleged bruised paw

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Five
I spied a dead garter snake in my cul-de-sac.  Poor snake, I thought and dismissed it from my mind.  Two hours later the snake corpse was in the midde of the driveway.

1.  This caused another panic from me
2.  Because of said panic, I ran into my garage.
3.  While running, I slipped a fell on a can of old green spray paint.
4.  The green paint can ruptured and sprayed large green blobs on the siding of our house.

Photo of green house

After I calmed down, I saw Phrancis playing with it--pushing it around and leaping on it with her "bruised paw".  I then realized the snake was not a zombie but playmate and tool for the evil cat.

Bottom Line:  Unknown--I have not yet begun to interview siding companies

The prosecution rests.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Warning: There are many not-so-subtle signs that there is discord in the family.

During Law and Order's twenty year run on television, I've learned that most communication is non-verbal and that hostility can take many forms. So thank you, Lenny Briscoe, for your wise mentoring.

1. During morning prayer, thanking Jesus only for Daddy and conveniently forgetting Mommy. (Regan)

2. Refusing to pet the dog after Mommy has because of the cooties. (Regan)

3. Leaving Mommy's wet underwear in the washing machine when asked to put the clothes in the dryer. (Wesley)

4. Snubbing Mommy during the "Sign of Peace" handshake during Mass and giving her "I'm a Butthead" look. (Wesley)

5. Cooking with ingredients that are hated by 25% of the household. (That would be me to get back at Wesley for the wet underwear)
6. Telling Mommy that you'd rather clean your room than eat with the family. (Wesley)

7. Informing the doctor that Mommy's underwear was dyed blue during an unfortunate craft exercise. (I don't remember which one of my spawn did that)

8. While at the vet, you complain that the dog eats better than you. (Wesley)

9. Eating all the marshmallows out the Lucky Charms (That's me again)

10. Complaining to your deceased great grandmother's grave and headstone that your mother is crazy. (Wesley)

11. Announcing that you are quitting the family. (Both Wesley and Regan at different times during the day)

12. Going sockless to Mass because "my mom doesn't match socks". (Wesley)

13. "My hair is sticking up because Mommy won't brush my hair with the pink brush." (Regan)

14. Writing "I want to be adopted" in the dirt on the trunk of the family car. (Handwriting analysis show that it was Wesley but the cat might have done that based on the pawprints around the window)

15. Resetting the DVR to record Power Rangers over Mommy's Supernatural episode. (Wesley)

16. Resetting the DVR to record Big Time Rush over Mommy's Grimm episodes. (Regan)

17. Resetting the DVR to record MASH repeats over my Design Star episodes (Dave)

18. Resetting the DVR to record Man Vs. Food episodes over Dave's Big Bang Theory. (Me)

19. Making faces and sighing constantly at the movies because your mom is too cheap to buy the Junior Mints from the theater. (Regan)

20. Threatening to call the police because Mom is a criminal for sneaking in the aforementioned Junior Mints bought at Walgreens. (Wesley)

Monday, June 4, 2012

I do still knit, you know...

I try to knit at least once a week but I can't seem to knit in public.  While it's sort of sweet when people want me to knit them a blanket, I try to refrain from fussing at them for making me lose my count.  Do they not know how mean I am and I have two pointy needles and yarn? 

Anyway, I started knitting dog/cat collars to give to my local vet so he can sell them to raise money for the practice's rescue program. 

I cast on 4 stitches in acrylic yarn and knit an I-cord.  Bind off and slip a book ring thingee through it and there's a pet collar.  Took ten minutes and looks a rope--which people now see it as the beginnings a noose.  I don't know where they get that from.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Warning: Just because you see me flaying around the front yard, don't assume I need psychotropic meds.

So you are innocently walking when you spy a crazy person jumping up and down with a pair of shears in one hand and swatting the air with the other.  Or maybe you see a nice looking guy talking and motioning to thin air.  Maybe you have seen a headless torso of a large animal in a bay window.  Yes, I see you know where our house is.

Perfectly normal people will jump up and down when dozens of fire ants looking to relocate near my favorite rose bush start biting.  You also would yell rather nasty four letter words as you (and I admit this is a bit stupid) try to stab the ants on your toes with your pruning shears.

Perfectly normal people do use their mouths when talking on their cell phone via a blue tooth.  And yes, Dave does overly use hand motions when talking.  He does not have a mental condition nor is he talking to imaginary people or dogs.

Perfectly normal people have dogs that bark.  So Zack likes to prop his front legs in the window and bark from behind the shades.  I will also concede that when Zack does this, you cannot see his head because of the blinds and you can only make out this large hairy body.  Maybe it does scare you because you believe we are conducting Frankenstein like experiments.

Walk a mile in my ant bitten feet and see how fast your neighbors offer to do an exorcism.