Am I married to Ogden Nash?

Found this and stole it from here.

Machinery Doesn’t Answer Either, But You Aren’t Married to It
by Ogden Nash


Life will teach you many things, chief of which is that every man who talks
to himself isn’t necessarily out of his wits;
He may have a wife who knits.
Probably only he and his Maker
Know how many evenings he has spent trying to raise a conversation while his beloved created sweaters by the acre.
Ah, my inquiring offspring, you must learn that life can be very bitter,
But never quite so much so as when trying to pry a word out of a knitter.
Sometimes she knits and sits,
Sometimes she sits and knits,
And you tell her what you have been doing all day and you ask what she
has been doing all day … and you speak tenderly of your courtship and your
bridal,
And you might as well try to get a response out of an Oriental idol,
And you notice a spasmodic movement of her lips,
And you think she is going to say something but she is only counting the number of stitches it takes to surround the hips;
And she furrows her beautiful brow, which is a sign that something is wrong somewhere and you keep on talking and disregard the sign,
And she casts a lethal glance, as one who purls before swine,
And this goes on for weeks
At the end of which she lays her work down and speaks,
And you think now maybe you can have some home life but she speaks in a tone as far off as Mercury or Saturn,
And she says thank goodness that is finished, it is a sight and she will never be able to wear it, but it doesn’t matter because she can hardly wait to start on an adorable new pattern,
And when this has been going on for a long time, why that’s the time that strong men
break down and go around talking to themselves in public, finally,
And it doesn’t mean that they are weak mentally and spinally.
It doesn’t mean, my boy, that they ought to be in an asylum like Nijinsky the dancer,
It only means that they got into the habit of talking to themselves at home because they themselves were the only people they could talk to and get an answer.

Weekly Warning 3/30/08

Thunderstorms will make you gain weight.
Follow, if you can, this crazy maze from thunderstorm to weight gain.

A couple of days ago during a particularly vicious thunderstorm, our roof sustained minor damage. Dave, being the anti-Bob Villa with roofs, called our nice contractor guy to repair the roof.

The roof repair led to a complete shutter replacement (5 sets in all). This, in turn, precipitated a front door painting. However, I hate my front door. It's just ugly. So that sent us to the door outlet store where we found a $1000 door. Our contractor was installing the door when he discovered carpenter ants. This led to a call to the bug guy who sprayed. While the bug guy was here, the dogs were shut away in our bedroom.

Winter's on its way out so Zack is molting like crazy. Tufts of Collie fur were floating aimlessly around my bedroom, settling on every surface. I couldn't sleep in such hairy circumstances so I pulled out my vacuum to suck up the fur and apparently a sock and my Timex watch. I went to Wal-Mart to get a new vacuum bag b/c the watch ripped the old to shreds and met an elderly woman giving out free cheesecake bites. They were so good I bought a package and ate the entire package on the way home.

So, in summary, the storm caused me to gain two pounds. I'll be ballooning up by the time hurricane season is over.

Cocoa Swap Package

I have an angel and her name is Cindy from Tennessee. Cindy stepped in at the last moment to send a package my way. My previous swap partner didn't send one--I hope she's okay.

My camera has died and until I get a new one, this is a picture-less post.

Cindy sent some yummy taupe colored yarn that is crying out for a drop stitch scarf. The mug is beautiful as well as the stitch markers and shawl pin. The chocolate is well on its' way to being consumed. I'm presently sipping hot cocoa from my new mug.

Oh and Cindy, if that "mini-shawl" is your handiwork, you are a fantastic knitter!

Thanks again, Cindy.

Lenten Trail Mix

Lent is not a good time for me. No meat on Fridays. I loathe seafood--leftover from a childhood battle with my mom and Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. Certain veggies like lettuce are a waste of space. I mean, come on, lettuce? The school I sub at does not offer Lenten fare so I made up a trail mix for lunch.

1 large package of dried cherries
1 large package of dried cranberries
1 large package of dried blueberries
1 cup of raisins
1 cup chopped pecans
1 cup coconut
1 package of MM's (Chocolate, don't you know?) or chocolate chips

Mix all together and enjoy for a week. Store in airtight container.

Weekly Warning 3/23/08

Chocolate Easter bunnies do not survive being stored near the coffeepot.

Your child's bunny will resemble a large brown blob by the time the coffee pot's automatic shut off kicks in two hours later.

You may send donations to Regan's Psychotherapy Fund through Paypal. Please earmark Wesley's money for his Future Oprah Show visit on how parents ruin their child's life through heating disasters.

I actually won!!!!

I used to be convinced that the world would come to an end before I won something. So break out your sunscreen for an impending supernova, 'cause I won SpinKnit Up's contest. I won stitch markers!!!! Yippee!!!

Mommies: Heroes or Slaves?

I'm leaning toward slaves. Wesley, the sweetest little monster in the whole wide world, got a new teacher this month. He promised her a hand knit scarf by who? Yeah, that's right, me. Never mind I'm trying to prevent Single Sock Syndrome. Forget about the blood drive I was helping to co-coordinate. Oh, let's just drop the birthday party fiasco. The promise to deliver 150 pounds of dry dog food to the new Walton Animal Guild (our county's version of a Humane Society)? No problem.

I drop everything to make the very nice teacher a new almost lace scarf in green suede. Thank God, it's simple. I don't know where I read it but it's super simple. It's not really original but it works.



Cast on 16 with size 17.
Knit three rows
Row 4: K3, (YO, K2tog) Repeat until you have three stitches on the end, K3
Row 5: Knit
Repeat 4 and 5 two more times
Knit until you almostget your desired length.
Repeat rows 4 and 5 three times.
Knit three rows.
Cast off.

Voila--easy scarf. Actually now that I look at it, the LB Suede is not as neat as I like. I'll slip the first stitch on the Next Almost Lace Scarf.

But who am I kidding? I love it that Wesley thinks enough of me to be so proud to brag. What a sweetie.

Weekly Warning 3/16/08

When applying hair color, DO NOT allow your child to fill the plastic protective gloves with water prior to sticking your hands in the gloves.

This morning, as I prepared Miss Clairol, I take my eyes off the gloves and Regan for like two seconds. Then I proceed to put on the gloves on and then picked up the color bottle of reddish brown goo. I applied it according to the directions, never realizing water is dripping down both arms. When set it down, I never noticed the dye and water mixing running back up my arms and back in to the gloves.

I pop the gloves off like a satisfied surgeon when I finally see specks, streaks and blobs of "Autumn Sunset" all around me. It looks like Dr. Suess became a serial killer. My beautiful soothing sage green bathroom is a posterchild for a new HGTV show, "When Kids and Color Collide." Regan thinks it's hilarious and laughs while I try feverishly to scrub off the blood red stripes down my arms. Great, now I look like a mad villain from "Green Eggs and Ham." Well I may be evil but my hair looks good.

Totally Wasted Post

I have absolutely nothing to write about. My knitting has basically fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks. My "part-time" job of substitute teaching at my kids' elementary school has become full time. I get home after school, dead but after a long drink of Diet Dr. Pepper, I leave with both kids in tow for soccer games or scout meetings or church or PTO functions.

My knitting is crying out in neglect. "Why, oh why have you abandoned us? [insert violin music] Please don't leave us." Sort of like a fiber lament.

In addition, I'm trying to hone up on my sewing. I've forgotten how thread a bobbin so Dave the MacGyver Weasel had to show me. I'm trying to make felt stuffed animals for a potential fundraiser for an animal rescue group but blood drops (mine from that pesky sewing needle) on the felt is not going to help with the project.

So I guess I'm whining. Sorry.

Weekly Warning 3/9/08

Upon visiting a strange bathroom, note the location of the toilet paper dispenser.

I was slurping the remnants of my Diet Dr. Pepper when the urge to go hit. The closest restroom was in a ritzy department store. Honestly, I felt out of place in my overalls (yes, overalls) and Keds. From free standing tissue dispenser to the plushy carpet, the decorations in the restroom probably cost more than my kitchen remodel.

But the thing is...that toilet paper dispenser is dangerous. Case in point--I was fastening buttons when I whipped around and slammed into the free standing toilet paper thingee. The stand wobbles and the Charmin flies off the dispenser. It plunks down into the toilet.

Those people at Charmin aren't lying when they say it's absorbant. It sucked up all the water in the toilet bowl.

In my defense, I did tell an employee that someone had clogged the toilet but like a coward, I slunk out before confessing. I didn't even have a kid with me to blame it on.

My Weasel is the Best!

Yes, this week I turned forty. I asked my hubby to buy dog food for our new Humane Society called WAG (Walton Animal Guild) instead of presents. My little hero/son, Wesley, also made the same request at his birthday party last week and together we just dropped off 150 pounds of dog food to WAG.

Altruism aside, I was very excited to find out dear Weaselboy went out and upgraded my handheld GPS unit. I now have the Mercedes of GPSs.

No more getting lost in the woods looking for a geocache because my Pinto model GPS lost signal. No, sirree. I now have the ability to find and target anything. Enemies beware! Tracking you down is much easier!

I May Be Smarter than My First Grader!!!

In 2m 22s

Click here to Play

Actually I was sweating Maryland. I mean--knew it was there but couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called. I heard Sister Josephina's voice in my head telling to quit goofing off and answer the question. God I need some Dr. Pepper.

New Contests!!!

Go to Enchanted Yarn & Fiber for a yarn contest. Very easy to enter.

Also NH Knitting Mama has one.

Finally the last contests is from SpinKnit Up

Tell them I sent you.

Cheater's Chicken Pot Pie

Yes, you can make from scratch the pie crust. You can roast the chickens at home. But I ask you--who has the time? Come on over to the Dark Side. You'll have time to cook and knit. I won't tell anyone I saw you in the Kroger Deli buying roasted chicken.

2 Deli Roasted Chickens (pull meat off bones and into small strips)
2 cups chicken broth
5 oz evaporated milk
1/3 cup of butter
1/3 cup flour
1/2 cup white wine
1 small bag frozen peas and carrots
1 small onion, diced
2 celery stalks, diced
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon parsley
salt/pepper to taste
4 frozen pie crusts, thawed

Preheat oven to 400.

Saute onion and celery in hot oil. Set aside. Combine broth and evaporated milk in microwave safe cup. Heat for 1 minute. Melt butter in dutch oven. Add wine, chicken broth mixture. Bring to slow boil. Slowly add flour to make a roux. Thicken for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Add sauteed onions and celery. Then add peas and carrots and then chicken. Pour 3 cups each into two pie crusts and top with other pie crusts. Don't overfill. Poke holes in top of crusts. You will probably have 1-2 cups of chicken filling left over. See bottom for recommendations.

Cover with foil and bake pies for 15 minutes. Uncover and bake for 15 more until golden brown. You can freeze one of the pies after baking. Just cover with foil tightly. When ready to bake, take it out and put it in a preheated 400 oven for an hour with foil still on. Then last 10 or so minutes, take off foil so the top crust can defrost.

FOR LEFTOVER FILLING: You can mix some Bisquick biscuits according directions on Bisquick box. Throw the chicken filling in small cake tin. Spoon biscuit dough over it and cook according to biscuit directions. Viola--easier pot pie.

Weekly Warning 3/2/08

Never let your seven year old child be in charge of birthday party invitations.

Otherwise, you'll have twenty kids show up at your house at 2 p.m. expecting a piece of cake designed to feed ten people and activities for four kids. Parents find out what they are made of in situations like this. Will they panic and shut themselves in their rooms to knit and eat copious amounts of chocolate? Or will they devise a last minute strategy worthy of a military coup from an unknown island in the South Pacific? Will the father and husband of ten years run out, denying any legal paternal claim to aforementioned seven year old child? Will the mother attempt to foist off the kids on an unsuspecting neighbor?

Stay tuned. I'll post when I reach a country that has no extradition treaty with the U.S.