Case in point: I'm dyeing my hair back to my natural color of reddish/brown early this morning. The grays have staged a violent sit-in on my head. Regan, in her usual unerring way, decides it's time for fight with her brother. Heads boink, fangs come out and hell breaks out in the living room over a decapitated Transformer. I run out of the bathroom with a towel over my new Bali bra to intervene. Wesley is thrashing on the floor like a rapid steer with Regan pulling out my Louet Riverstone wool to hogtie her brother. Why? For branding? For rights to the departed Optimus Prime? I don't know. I separate Calamity Jane and Tonto.
I go back into the bathroom only to discover Natural Instincts dye peppered all over my beautiful white bra. It looks like a piece of lingerie left over from the Catwoman's wardrobe.
After the kids get to school, I brave the winter morning to go geocaching. The coordinates lead me to the American Legion where I feverishly search for a film canister holding the log near the retired howitzer. A woman comes out of Quizno's next door and thrusts a piece of old ham and individual package of mustard in my face and shrieks, "Have you found it?"
I feign innocence while I evade the ham. "It?"
The woman looks at me like I'm crazy (but she is the one still shaking the ancient slice of cured pork, not me). "The dog? You know the one that's been running around here. I brought some old meat to lure him out."
So you can what? Kill him with outdated ham? Scare him into submission with condiments?
"No, not here about a dog." I smile politely. You know the smile--you're crazy and I'm going to back away slowly and call in Homeland Security.
"Why ya here?" She continues to get closer to me and the cannon.
I didn't want to explain geocaching to her--I just didn't have it in me. So I lied (so sue me) and told her I was taking measurements of the cannon for Wesley's school project. Hamming Hannah bought it and left me alone. By then, I was freezing and my fingers were numb.
I come home to a pile of previously clean clothes. Zack made himself a nest in our flannel pajamas and slept the morning away, snug and cozy. Teach me to throw clothes in a basket, put the basket on top of the washer and leave for the morning. Actually, I think he's testing me. Will Mommy drop me off at the pound? No, I won't. He's just got microchipped and I was stupid enough to put in our real address, not some totally fake one in another part of the country.
I decide to knit and pull out an old unfinished project. It was supposed to be a beaded ribbon scarf but it's ugly so it's getting frogged. The round things are not spider nests but beads. They look better in the package.
I need a drink--only I can't because I have to pick up the kids in thirty minutes. I search for a cold Diet Dr. Pepper and chocolate. Can you believe I have neither in my house? I've resorted to eating Godiva Hot Cocoa mix straight out of the canister because I ran out of milk.
Goodness knows what is going to happen this afternoon.
3 comments:
Don't feel too bad...all out wars break out here on a daily basis. It drives me freaking nuts.
Now, all this talking about geocaching has really peaked my interest...I gotta go read about this. It sounds interesting.
You gotta get to the store and stock up on the sodas...if I don't have my Diet Pepsi, I might kill somebody. :)
Hugs!
Still laughing at you... in a good way.
Aspargus sticks are like little bread sticks (hard) with sesame in them.
I'll just have to send you some.
Sure you don't want me to throw in some Royal Milk Tea?
Love that kidlin... still trying to figure out what to make. Any ideas?
Awwww, and I thought my day was bad! I wonder if Ham Lady is related in any way to Fredericka Kruger. Sometimes I seriously wonder about people - why do they assume we can read their minds? And when we have no idea what's going on, they are shocked. Nice one about measuring the cannon though - it seems that your hometown has given you a few too many experiences of this sort and you are now fully prepared.
I will email you a description of pho - I'm sure it would make for an insanely long comment :) Til then, please cease and desist from eating hot cocoa mix dry!!! Reading that had me half way to the post office to mail you some milk.
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