Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Exorcism in the Fabric Department!

If you're familiar with me, you'd know my ineptness at crafts (not including knitting)

I'm in Joanne's (the enemy's camp) to shop for my beginner's sewing class. I'm trying not to look like a deer stuck in the headlights but I'm starting to panic. My list is long and I have two hours before I pick up the kids from school. I will never get it all done because as soon as I walk in, half of the associates go on break or go into hiding in the silk flower department or cower behind some large bolt of hideous flannel fabric.

I try logic--something that I know I lack. Get the pattern first. Simplicity tote pattern 8831 sounds fairly easy to find. Neatly organized by name and number. I wait patiently for an elderly lady in a walker to shuffle out the way. As I reach to pull open the drawer, the old lady with the dexterity of an Olympic gymnast whips her walker around to grab the LAST pattern 8831.

That's alright--I'm sure there's more in the back. Which there isn't according to the three associates I cornered in the candle-making department.

I consult the list I got from the registration. Two different types of fabric. Some belting and some notions including a seam ripper, some overpriced wax paper and a mini-torture device with a serrated rolling blade and wicked handle. Some dressmaker scissors are next as well as a sewing box. I spy the old lady with the walker selecting some shears that I think Freddy Krueger used on Elm Street. I give her a wide berth when she smirks evilly as her lower dentures shift out of her mouth.

A quick detour to grope the yarn calms me down and I wheel myself to the ten mile long check out line. I feel a jab in my leg. The elderly pattern thief/serial killer had pushed her walker into the back of my keds. I bite my tongue not because it would be impolite to swear at a senior citizen but because I think her eyes are glowing red. We have the almost exact same sewing supplies and merchandise. My God, the devil is at Joanne's and she's probably signed up to be in my beginner sewing class!!!! And me without my holy water and my wooden stake. I'll be better prepared on February 2--my first class.


Lil Knitter said...

Omg...I think I've run into her around here and...she has minions! If there's something I MUST have or desperately NEED, they always get there before I do...no matter how much was in stock yesterday, when I need one..just one...they got em all!
We gotta get us some of that holy water.


That sounds so.... traumatizing!!! I feel I need to apologize on behalf of all sewers (is that what you call people who sew? it looks way too much like the canals under the street where radioactive alligators roam).

I'm sure that sewing will turn out to be fun (and hopefully you won't have to spend too much time at Joann's). However, you probably should show up to your first class with a good amount of holy water. Maybe even wear a St Michael medal. I don't like the sounds of this kleptomeniacal, homicidal old lady....

Miss T said...

You're really, really sure you want to learn to sew?