Warning: Eternal Damnation is bad.

It's tough.  Tougher than having a c-section 11 years ago.  Giving up my Diet Dr. Pepper and sweet tea for forty days is excruciating but there was another task I gave myself.  I know we are not supposed to whine about our Lenten obligations but hey, I'm not perfect so here goes.

I also took on the impossible task of being nice and not losing my temper.  Yes, you read that right--I vowed to be nice at least three times a day for forty days.  If you have read any past entries, you will come to the conclusion that I'm just plain mean.  I try at times to be nice but my meanness overwhelms any and all desire to be nice.  Here goes my Lenten Nice Or Suffer Eternal Damnation Quest.

February 22:  Ash Wednesday was pretty easy.
1.   I managed to down my fish sandwich without doing my fake gagging.  Plain water followed as well as two Tylenol for the impending caffeine withdrawal headache.  I think I fooled everyone in thinking that I'm okay with dry fish and stale bread.
2.  I allowed someone to pull out in front of me without screaming obscenities.  Letting a jerk in a Range Rover steal my parking spot at Kroger was number 2 nice thing. 
3.  When Wesley stepped on my toe while he portrayed Darth Vader in his one act play was number 3 nice thing.

February 23: 
1.  The cat is still alive despite cleaning herself in the middle of the driveway while I was trying to back up. 
2.  When a student at school upended my water on purpose, I calmly cleaned it up. 
3.  The mail carrier dropped off a package and Zack hit me in the head with his tail, I didn't complain.

February 24: 
1.  Friday means no meat. I started eating a watery tomato soup when a child threw his half chewed cracker into the soup. 
2.  Then the little @$#% child ate my banana. 
3.  A nervy squirrel was using top of V-ger as his personal Johnnie on the Spot when I left school.  I held on tightly to purse to preclude any throwing.

February 25:
1.  I dropped spaghetti sauce down my pants which stained my underwear a disgusting orange but I refrained from swearing at myself. 
2.  The T-Mobile guy did not activate my new phone properly which precipitated a visit back to the store.  I even choked out a "It's okay" when the guy told me it would be 15 minutes to access the computer. 
3.  An evil senior citizen shot the finger at me for waiting for her to back out of her parking spot.

February 26
1.  The clerk at Walmart remained unharmed despite the fact he overcharged 2x.  Each time I told Jimmy the clerk that the shoes I was buying for Regan were markdown, he charged me full price and the markdown price.
2.  Zack turned his nose up at my Mexican Chicken casserole when a glob of it fell on the floor.  Come on, Zack, that's one of the reasons we have you.  You are the food vacuum.
3.  Wesley activated my voice command on the new cell phone to accept only his voice.  He also remains unharmed but that could change if he fails to deactivate his voice from my phone.

Can't wait to find out what tomorrow holds for me.  Stay tuned!

Warning: Cologne is an effective deterent in the timeless war between Mother and Son.

Round 5:  The Cologne Offensive

"I don't want to go.  You make me go and it's not fair." My underage combatant (Wesley) complained.

I was still tasting Elmer's Gluestick Clear Coat on my lips from our confrontation earlier this week.  I was again rushing to get dressed to take Regan to her karate class when I felt Wesley enter the room.

In an amazingly quick move that surprised even me, I grabbed the closest potential weapon--a bottle of Ralph Lauren Romance and whipped around (and without falling also--yea me).  I spritzed at Wesley, covering him in an aromatic mist of designer cologne.  As expected, he backed up like he was a lion and I had just hit him with a whip.

"Back, Sheba. Back."  I waved the bottle menacingly toward Wesley who retreated faster than a politician at a news conference.

Wesley ran to his room and slammed the door.  Not to be deterred, I covered his door and surrounding carpet with Ralph.  Ralph Lauren was my holy water and Wesley was not getting away.  I wasn't thinking of Wesley's eventual revenge or future emotional trauma. 

Yes, I know what everyone who reads this thinking--I am a horrible mother.  Be comforted by the thought that I no longer have any cologne and have resorted to using Febreeze Fabric Softener in Lilac as my signature scent.

Warning: If your child wants to help you after a huge fight, don't trust him.

Wesley Wars:  Episode Four

Still smarting from this summer's lawn mower strike, the forced decommissioning of his slingshot (aka my bra) and the Hello Kitty Sock wearing incident, the battle continues.

A few highlights of the past few weeks:

Wesley: You are here to ruin my life.
Me:  I'm glad I met my goal.

Wesley:  You are the meanest person in the whole world.
Me:  Thanks.  I've worked hard to become so.

Me:  Feed the dog please.  It's your turn.
Wesley:  You had me so I would have to work ALL the time.
Me:  Well, I need a refund because you, uh, don't work all the time.

Wesley:  You feed me this junk [meatloaf and mashed potatoes] and it's icky.
Me: Choice B is fried liver and onions.

Wesley:  Why can't I stay over at Logan's [his best buddy] all the time?
Me:  Because the police told me I couldn't lose you anymore.

Wesley: You can't force me to go to school.
Me: Well, yes. Yes I can.

This last loving interaction was this week as we frantically was getting ready for school.  Dave was out of town so I made breakfast (which according to Wesley, all the food was again, junk--come up with new adjectives, Boy).  Wesley brought my purse to me and handed me my chapstick.  I throw it on and tell him too look for my eyeliner as I was trying to put on my watch.  He digs around and hands it to me. 

As I start the first swipe, I realize my vengeful son handed me a black permanent Sharpie.  Apparently I looked angry in clownish, one black eye sort of way because he dropped the purse and ran.  I tried to yell at him only to find that the little @$# % head had handed me a glue stick instead of chapstick and my lips were sticking together. 

Okay so Round Four goes to the Ten Year Old Hooligan.

Snowman Book

I've been a para and teacher for about 4 years now in Pre-K and kindergarten.  I have had more fun dancing and singing with the kids than the kids do.  Looking back, I'm sure it's torture for the kids to listen to my wildly off-key singing and horrible dancing.  But I came up with a poem/song/book thingee that might help other teachers.  We used it for a following directions page and recall.

 The title is "I'm a Little Snowman" to the tune "I'm a Little Teapot. 

I'm a little snowman

Short and fat

Here is my scarf

And here is my hat

See my carrot nose

And three buttons too

A happy smile

And eyes so blue

The Title Page

First Page

Second Page

Third Page

Fourth Page

Five Page

Sixth Page

Seventh Page

Warning: There are no mental health therapists for Pterodactyls

Poor, poor Bob the Pterodactyl. Regan has been abusing this beanie baby for years. He's been shot out of a bra, thrown across the car to land in garlic knots, stuffed in an underwear drawer and other situations. Yet, he remains loyal to Regan and sleeps with her every night.

I have found Bob in a variety of places and every once in a while you have to bow to the absurd and take a picture of it. So it is with appreciation (especially from the dog who escapes Regan's machinations because of Bob's presence) I present a short pictorial history of Bob:

This is Bob dressed in beer koozie from Hawaii.  When I asked Regan why her stuffed animal was "dressed", she replied that he didn't want to be naked.

This is an early picture of Bob.  He got mixed up with Regan's bedding in the washer.  Bob should have applied for a restraining order then.

Bob on ice.  This was about two weeks ago.  Regan said he was having hot flashes like me.

This was about two years ago around Thanksgiving.  Bob was starving according to Regan and he didn't fit into a chair. 

Lastly, I believe this was a desperate attempt to run away this past Christmas.  I can't go to sleep sometimes because the horrified look in Bob's eyes haunts me.

If anyone can figure out how to add extinct dinosaurs to an insurance plan, please let me know.  I think I owe him a few sessions in therapy if not a beer to fill his dress/koozie.

New Scarf Pattern

Despite all my whining about my kids and how I have no time, I still knit.  Dave needed a new scarf so I used 3 different colors of Lion Brand Home Town (Off White, Blue and Green).  It's rather bulky and because of this, it didn't show a lot of stitch definition so I modified it.  It looked pretty good.  It's knitted in almost a block formation.

Cast on 15 using color A.
Row 1:  K5 P5 K5
Row 2:  Knit all
Repeat these two rows until you have knitted about 8 inches.

Change to color B.
Row 1:  K4 P7 K4
Row 2:  Knit all
Repeat these two rows until you have knitted about 8 inches

Change to color C
Row 1:  K3 P9 K3
Row 2:  Knit all
Repeat these two rows until you have knitted about 16 inches

Change to color B
Row 1:  K4 P7 K4
Row 2:  Knit all
Repeat these two rows until you have knitted about 8 inches

Change to color A
Row 1:  K5 P5 K5
Row 2:  Knit all
Repeat these two rows until you have knitted about 8 inches.

Bind off.

Shameless Pitch

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