Warning: There is nothing as bad as a lying and opportunistic cat.

Photo of Suspect

Phat Phrancis is an annoying animal.  The cat showed up several years ago after being tossed out of a moving car.  Fortunately Phrancis did not suffer major injuries--just a scraped tail.  I am still on the look out for that car after all these years to exact justice.

Anyway, Regan saw the incident and immediately wanted to keep the cat.  To my detriment along with my dwindling bank account, I agreed.  I have and still maintain that Phrancis is an annoying animal.  I present my evidence.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number One

Her first visit to the vet was to treat the tail that had been scraped during the throwing-out-the-window incident.  He was a new vet and probably had never passed the feline birds and bees course at vet school.  Doctor Whoever pronounced Phrancis pregnant. 

To some people, my next question might invite shock or anger but to others

• who are born not cat people
• who tried to be cat people but failed miserably for a variety reasons
• who have little money in a checking account
• who really can't handle two dogs, two kids, four hermit crabs and two cats

they will understand my inquiry.  For the record, I am all four.

I asked Dr. Whoever about (ick factor coming) a feline abortion.  Yes, I am Catholic and according to the tenets of my faith I shoud be adamantly against abortions.  I still feel the need to go to Confession even when I write this.  Dr. Whoever apparently was very pro-life and very upset that I even ask the question.  I felt like dirt that clings to worms after they've eaten through a compost pile.

Bottom line:  Phrancis was spayed and not even preggers.  Her pregnancy scare was an apparent attempt to solicit sympathy to the tune of $146.00 for spaying, shots and an overnight visit.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Two

Photo of Suspect Weaving and Intent to Initiate Fall

Her second visit to the vet was for a broken leg (while she indeed break her leg, it's why she did it--I had tripped over her while she was weaving in between my legs and I called a nasty four letter word.  She was fine when I left her in the driveway).  I have no idea how she managed to break her leg--she's a cat for Pete's sake.  Aren't they supposed to be graceful?  And she also found Regan who turned her big blue eyes to me and asked if "to fix Phrancis".

Somehow she turned this into a week-long camp out in my living room.  She was hand fed by Regan while my dogs who I loved more than most people had to stay outside.  Phrancis was pampered to an inch of her conniving little life.

Bottom Line: $773 worth vet bills.  Oh, Dave had just been laid off from his job.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Three

After dropping off a dead chipmunk near Regan, Regan concluded we were not feeding her good cat food if she had to find her own dinner. 

$24 a month for a schmancy cat food while my beloved dogs exist on Pedigree and Fit and Trim.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Four
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Last week Regan comes racing into the living room to tell me that Phrancis is really, really hurt.  When we closed our garage door, Phrancis was sleeping on top of it.  When it closed, she got stuck.  I ran outside to see Phrancis dragging her back two legs behind.  She was not yowling in pain so I, in a panic, concluded that Phrancis was paralyzed.  I called our vet (who is not that same as Dr. Whoever from Exhibit One) who told me to bring her in. 

Regan kept reassuring Phrancis that we'd take care of her.  If she needed a feline wheelchair, "Mommy would get it for her".  If she needed help to learn how to walk again, Mommy would do it.

Bottom Line:  $135 to be diagnosed with a bruised paw.  Yes, that's right--one bruised paw--not two but one paw.

Photo of subject stretching on alleged bruised paw

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Five
I spied a dead garter snake in my cul-de-sac.  Poor snake, I thought and dismissed it from my mind.  Two hours later the snake corpse was in the midde of the driveway.

1.  This caused another panic from me
2.  Because of said panic, I ran into my garage.
3.  While running, I slipped a fell on a can of old green spray paint.
4.  The green paint can ruptured and sprayed large green blobs on the siding of our house.

Photo of green house

After I calmed down, I saw Phrancis playing with it--pushing it around and leaping on it with her "bruised paw".  I then realized the snake was not a zombie but playmate and tool for the evil cat.

Bottom Line:  Unknown--I have not yet begun to interview siding companies

The prosecution rests.