Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Warning: There are many not-so-subtle signs that there is discord in the family.

During Law and Order's twenty year run on television, I've learned that most communication is non-verbal and that hostility can take many forms. So thank you, Lenny Briscoe, for your wise mentoring.

1. During morning prayer, thanking Jesus only for Daddy and conveniently forgetting Mommy. (Regan)

2. Refusing to pet the dog after Mommy has because of the cooties. (Regan)

3. Leaving Mommy's wet underwear in the washing machine when asked to put the clothes in the dryer. (Wesley)

4. Snubbing Mommy during the "Sign of Peace" handshake during Mass and giving her "I'm a Butthead" look. (Wesley)

5. Cooking with ingredients that are hated by 25% of the household. (That would be me to get back at Wesley for the wet underwear)
6. Telling Mommy that you'd rather clean your room than eat with the family. (Wesley)

7. Informing the doctor that Mommy's underwear was dyed blue during an unfortunate craft exercise. (I don't remember which one of my spawn did that)

8. While at the vet, you complain that the dog eats better than you. (Wesley)

9. Eating all the marshmallows out the Lucky Charms (That's me again)

10. Complaining to your deceased great grandmother's grave and headstone that your mother is crazy. (Wesley)

11. Announcing that you are quitting the family. (Both Wesley and Regan at different times during the day)

12. Going sockless to Mass because "my mom doesn't match socks". (Wesley)

13. "My hair is sticking up because Mommy won't brush my hair with the pink brush." (Regan)

14. Writing "I want to be adopted" in the dirt on the trunk of the family car. (Handwriting analysis show that it was Wesley but the cat might have done that based on the pawprints around the window)

15. Resetting the DVR to record Power Rangers over Mommy's Supernatural episode. (Wesley)

16. Resetting the DVR to record Big Time Rush over Mommy's Grimm episodes. (Regan)

17. Resetting the DVR to record MASH repeats over my Design Star episodes (Dave)

18. Resetting the DVR to record Man Vs. Food episodes over Dave's Big Bang Theory. (Me)

19. Making faces and sighing constantly at the movies because your mom is too cheap to buy the Junior Mints from the theater. (Regan)

20. Threatening to call the police because Mom is a criminal for sneaking in the aforementioned Junior Mints bought at Walgreens. (Wesley)

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