Weekly Warning 8/10/08

Do not allow your children to bring more than one toy to a church service.

Regan, my lovely five year old daughter, brings a stuffed animal to Mass every time we go. Ordinarily, I encourage it because it's extremely difficult to pray and play thumb wars at the same time.

In the past, Regan has brought in Transformers, stuffed animals, and once her Anne Boleyn Barbie doll (with the head off) attired in a lady of the evening type outfit my mother in law bought. Ray has been calling it Anne but she is totally unaware why I call that particular doll Anne. I thought I saw the priest twitch when Regan wanted Anne blessed last month. I had a calm yet useful talk with Ray about bringing incomplete toys to church.

A couple of weeks she brought in a new stuffed animal--a Beanie Baby Goat as well as sneaking in Anne.

After Mass, Regan leaps out of the church and approaches the visiting priest--fortunately our regular priest was on vacation.

Here's a gist of the conversation:

Ray: "Look at my new toy [meaning the Beanie baby goat]. His name is Horny Goat."

The priest opens up his mouth and then closes it.

I finally get there after my stomach drops when I heard "Horny Goat". To my utter but not so surprising (after all Regan) astonishment, Anne Boleyn Barbie complete with feather boa is straddling "Horny Goat" in what might be construed as an intimate manner

Not wanting to make a scene, because a) Regan has no clue what "horny" means outside of having antlers, b) Ray also thinks Trashy Dressed Anne is merely using Horny has transportation and c) we are right outside a church, I usher her out while telling the priest that Wesley is waiting for us.

I'm sure Ray is the talk of the priest staff meeting this month and now has an entire chapter in priest school devoted to strange children and their freaky parents.

FYI--Dave has since found the head of Anne under Ray's bed and reattached head to body. I've convinced Ray to rename the goat Pointy. The infamous feather boa has mysteriously disappeared.