A New Blog to Read

If you are so inclined, have young children, are Catholic or even bored, there is a new blog for Catholic kids.  My BFF and I saw a gap in the Catechism curriculum so here is the sight:

www.catholicism4kids.blogspot.com

Warning: Don't blame the rotten smell on the dog.

****This warning is not for faint hearted.****

I know what y'all are thinking...6 month old puppy in the process of being potty trained.  This is not to say that she does not have the occasional accident or that she really meant to eat Regan's stuffed elephant.

No, this warning is dedicated to Wesley and his annoying habit of wanting to eat everything in sight. 

"Mom, I don't want to go to make sandwiches today." Wesley complained as I roused him from his bed Friday morning at 8ish.  The kids and I go every Friday to a local charity to make PBJ sandwiches for hungry children.

"I'm hungry," states my own starving child.  "Can we stop at the Texaco to get a biscuit?"  Our neighborhood Texaco station has a mini-restuarant and makes the most awesome biscuits.  "Because we going because YOU [emphasis on you by Wesley] make us.

"Yes," I breathed in and out in an attempt to get out of the house with maiming my children.  I also wanted to get to Vger, my beautiful, now paid for, Dodge Avenger and switch on the air conditioner since it was supposed to be rather toasty (105 degrees).

Wesley happily goes in and buys [Read:  I bought.] a large steak biscuit with egg.  He's happily munches it and for a brief period, Wesley's mouth is engaged without insulting his sister or pontificating on how hard his life is.

Saturday comes and reaches a high of 105 degrees.  I stay home most of the day and Dave has the misfortune of driving Vger to a meeting.  "That's a powerful smell you got going on," Dave grimaced when he gets home.  I'm thinking maybe he doesn't like my new cologne.

Sunday arrives in all its 107 degree glory and as we are going to Mass, I open my door to the foulest and potent smell this side of hell.  Something is rotten in Georgia and it's dying in Vger.  Somehow I knew it was one of the kids.  The smell was wafting from the back seat.  I tore the car apart but nothing.  It was as if my very own septic tank had overflowed into my car.  Both children deny any and everything related to the smell.

Baking soda!!!  Baking soda absorbs odor.  For good measure, I opened up a new Arm & Hammer box to stay in Vger overnight.

We have a cool down today--only 95 degrees but Vger still is malodorous.  The baking soda is a bust.  Holding our breaths, I again search the front seat as Regan searches the back. 

When Regan pulls down the center console in the back seat, I almost pass out.  I learned a few things in that moment:

1.  I will never be a crime scene technician. 

2.  Stinky air travels quickly.

3.  My son will be put up for adoption.

There in the drink console is Wesley's half eaten, rotting sausage biscuit marinating in record high temperatures.  Even touching it has befouled my hands.  I have washed them at least seven times in the past few minutes and I still smell it.

Wesley, of course, blames me.  Apparently he was so sleep deprived he picked up the wrong biscuit, thinking it was steak and not sausage because "as you know, Mom, I don't eat sausage.  You made me pick up the wrong biscuit because I had to get up early to make sandwiches and you tell us not to litter and I didn't want to do anything that you tell me is wrong and....."

I have to go now.  I'm going to try bleach on my hands.

Warning: There is nothing as bad as a lying and opportunistic cat.

Photo of Suspect

Phat Phrancis is an annoying animal.  The cat showed up several years ago after being tossed out of a moving car.  Fortunately Phrancis did not suffer major injuries--just a scraped tail.  I am still on the look out for that car after all these years to exact justice.

Anyway, Regan saw the incident and immediately wanted to keep the cat.  To my detriment along with my dwindling bank account, I agreed.  I have and still maintain that Phrancis is an annoying animal.  I present my evidence.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number One

Her first visit to the vet was to treat the tail that had been scraped during the throwing-out-the-window incident.  He was a new vet and probably had never passed the feline birds and bees course at vet school.  Doctor Whoever pronounced Phrancis pregnant. 

To some people, my next question might invite shock or anger but to others

• who are born not cat people
• who tried to be cat people but failed miserably for a variety reasons
• who have little money in a checking account
• who really can't handle two dogs, two kids, four hermit crabs and two cats

they will understand my inquiry.  For the record, I am all four.

I asked Dr. Whoever about (ick factor coming) a feline abortion.  Yes, I am Catholic and according to the tenets of my faith I shoud be adamantly against abortions.  I still feel the need to go to Confession even when I write this.  Dr. Whoever apparently was very pro-life and very upset that I even ask the question.  I felt like dirt that clings to worms after they've eaten through a compost pile.

Bottom line:  Phrancis was spayed and not even preggers.  Her pregnancy scare was an apparent attempt to solicit sympathy to the tune of $146.00 for spaying, shots and an overnight visit.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Two

Photo of Suspect Weaving and Intent to Initiate Fall

Her second visit to the vet was for a broken leg (while she indeed break her leg, it's why she did it--I had tripped over her while she was weaving in between my legs and I called a nasty four letter word.  She was fine when I left her in the driveway).  I have no idea how she managed to break her leg--she's a cat for Pete's sake.  Aren't they supposed to be graceful?  And she also found Regan who turned her big blue eyes to me and asked if "to fix Phrancis".

Somehow she turned this into a week-long camp out in my living room.  She was hand fed by Regan while my dogs who I loved more than most people had to stay outside.  Phrancis was pampered to an inch of her conniving little life.

Bottom Line: $773 worth vet bills.  Oh, Dave had just been laid off from his job.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Three

After dropping off a dead chipmunk near Regan, Regan concluded we were not feeding her good cat food if she had to find her own dinner. 

$24 a month for a schmancy cat food while my beloved dogs exist on Pedigree and Fit and Trim.

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Four
.
Last week Regan comes racing into the living room to tell me that Phrancis is really, really hurt.  When we closed our garage door, Phrancis was sleeping on top of it.  When it closed, she got stuck.  I ran outside to see Phrancis dragging her back two legs behind.  She was not yowling in pain so I, in a panic, concluded that Phrancis was paralyzed.  I called our vet (who is not that same as Dr. Whoever from Exhibit One) who told me to bring her in. 

Regan kept reassuring Phrancis that we'd take care of her.  If she needed a feline wheelchair, "Mommy would get it for her".  If she needed help to learn how to walk again, Mommy would do it.

Bottom Line:  $135 to be diagnosed with a bruised paw.  Yes, that's right--one bruised paw--not two but one paw.

Photo of subject stretching on alleged bruised paw

Prosecutor's Exhibit Number Five
I spied a dead garter snake in my cul-de-sac.  Poor snake, I thought and dismissed it from my mind.  Two hours later the snake corpse was in the midde of the driveway.

1.  This caused another panic from me
2.  Because of said panic, I ran into my garage.
3.  While running, I slipped a fell on a can of old green spray paint.
4.  The green paint can ruptured and sprayed large green blobs on the siding of our house.

Photo of green house

After I calmed down, I saw Phrancis playing with it--pushing it around and leaping on it with her "bruised paw".  I then realized the snake was not a zombie but playmate and tool for the evil cat.

Bottom Line:  Unknown--I have not yet begun to interview siding companies

The prosecution rests.

Introducing....Darby the Aussie and the newest member in the Hissyknit Insane Asylum.

Warning: There are many not-so-subtle signs that there is discord in the family.

During Law and Order's twenty year run on television, I've learned that most communication is non-verbal and that hostility can take many forms. So thank you, Lenny Briscoe, for your wise mentoring.

1. During morning prayer, thanking Jesus only for Daddy and conveniently forgetting Mommy. (Regan)

2. Refusing to pet the dog after Mommy has because of the cooties. (Regan)

3. Leaving Mommy's wet underwear in the washing machine when asked to put the clothes in the dryer. (Wesley)

4. Snubbing Mommy during the "Sign of Peace" handshake during Mass and giving her "I'm a Butthead" look. (Wesley)

5. Cooking with ingredients that are hated by 25% of the household. (That would be me to get back at Wesley for the wet underwear)

6. Telling Mommy that you'd rather clean your room than eat with the family. (Wesley)

7. Informing the doctor that Mommy's underwear was dyed blue during an unfortunate craft exercise. (I don't remember which one of my spawn did that)

8. While at the vet, you complain that the dog eats better than you. (Wesley)

9. Eating all the marshmallows out the Lucky Charms (That's me again)

10. Complaining to your deceased great grandmother's grave and headstone that your mother is crazy. (Wesley)

11. Announcing that you are quitting the family. (Both Wesley and Regan at different times during the day)

12. Going sockless to Mass because "my mom doesn't match socks". (Wesley)

13. "My hair is sticking up because Mommy won't brush my hair with the pink brush." (Regan)

14. Writing "I want to be adopted" in the dirt on the trunk of the family car. (Handwriting analysis show that it was Wesley but the cat might have done that based on the pawprints around the window)

15. Resetting the DVR to record Power Rangers over Mommy's Supernatural episode. (Wesley)

16. Resetting the DVR to record Big Time Rush over Mommy's Grimm episodes. (Regan)

17. Resetting the DVR to record MASH repeats over my Design Star episodes (Dave)

18. Resetting the DVR to record Man Vs. Food episodes over Dave's Big Bang Theory. (Me)

19. Making faces and sighing constantly at the movies because your mom is too cheap to buy the Junior Mints from the theater. (Regan)

20. Threatening to call the police because Mom is a criminal for sneaking in the aforementioned Junior Mints bought at Walgreens. (Wesley)

I do still knit, you know...

I try to knit at least once a week but I can't seem to knit in public.  While it's sort of sweet when people want me to knit them a blanket, I try to refrain from fussing at them for making me lose my count.  Do they not know how mean I am and I have two pointy needles and yarn? 

Anyway, I started knitting dog/cat collars to give to my local vet so he can sell them to raise money for the practice's rescue program. 

I cast on 4 stitches in acrylic yarn and knit an I-cord.  Bind off and slip a book ring thingee through it and there's a pet collar.  Took ten minutes and looks a rope--which people now see it as the beginnings a noose.  I don't know where they get that from.

Warning: Just because you see me flaying around the front yard, don't assume I need psychotropic meds.

So you are innocently walking when you spy a crazy person jumping up and down with a pair of shears in one hand and swatting the air with the other.  Or maybe you see a nice looking guy talking and motioning to thin air.  Maybe you have seen a headless torso of a large animal in a bay window.  Yes, I see you know where our house is.

Perfectly normal people will jump up and down when dozens of fire ants looking to relocate near my favorite rose bush start biting.  You also would yell rather nasty four letter words as you (and I admit this is a bit stupid) try to stab the ants on your toes with your pruning shears.

Perfectly normal people do use their mouths when talking on their cell phone via a blue tooth.  And yes, Dave does overly use hand motions when talking.  He does not have a mental condition nor is he talking to imaginary people or dogs.

Perfectly normal people have dogs that bark.  So Zack likes to prop his front legs in the window and bark from behind the shades.  I will also concede that when Zack does this, you cannot see his head because of the blinds and you can only make out this large hairy body.  Maybe it does scare you because you believe we are conducting Frankenstein like experiments.

Walk a mile in my ant bitten feet and see how fast your neighbors offer to do an exorcism.