I'm a mean, mean, mean person.

Zack has developed a hot spot (see this Warning).  And while I am not surprised that he has taken up a nervous habit, I had hoped the vet could prescribe some sort of medication or a lobotomy--whichever is cheapest.

We had to put a halo collar on him this week to prevent him from making the spot worse.  Dave and I--well mostly me--have had a wonderful time telling people different reasons why Zack has this on.

A few of our favorites are:

• Zack misread the instructions on his new umbrella
• Zack has decided to be Elizabethean Collie
• Dave wants all access to college football games on cable but refuses to pay for it.
• A new invention:  The Catch All Bowl.  A portable way to make sure NO food thrown your way goes to waste.  Act now and you'll receive two Catch All Bowls.  Just pay S & H.
• Zack is the Catholic Church's newest saint but they ran out of halos.
• A emergency braking system for my car.  Just let Zack hang out the window and viola, instant stops
• The sunflower in the new school performance of "Chicken Little"
• The new sun-tanning sensation
• A standing water basin designed specifically for chipmunks

Please feel free to add your interpretation of Zack and his new collar.

Happy New Year

Have a safe and hangover-free New Year!  There will be no drinking from me since I know that wine causes pregnancy.

Merry Christmas!!

In anticipation of future hospital visits (Regan wants a karate training room and Wesley is asking for an archery set), I thought I'd wish everyone an early and take your pick depending on your culture or views,

**Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus**

**Happy Hannukah**

**Safe and wonderful Kwanzaa**

**Joyous Festivus**

**Happy Cat Herding Day (12/15) for all the parents or people in charge of impossible tasks.  Sorry I missed your special day**

Warning: I'm about to become famous.

One day into Christmas vacation, Wesley and Regan are sent to their rooms because of bickering over--get this--who gets to move the Advent Calendar today. A mere seventeen minutes of Christmas peace before Wesley and Regan began their daily arguments. To add insult to injury, I tell them to clean up their rooms since Wesley's Star Wars figurines and accoutrements make him look like a candidate for the hoarder reality show. Regan’s stuffed animal collection (now hovering around 152 minions) are spilling out into the pantry. One poor dragon met an untimely death in a boiling pot of pasta.

"You are the worst Mommy in the World." Wesley wails and crosses his arms for dramatic effect.

Regan, not to be outdone by the King of Melodrama, announces that she would like to be traded to another family. For a moment I envisioned a Major League type swap. For a future draft pick to be named later? For money? With the stomping of feet, she heads to her room to sulk or set up therapy appointments with Dr. Phil via a toy cell phone.

"You are ruining my life." Wesley interjects. "I will not clean up my room. I do not like this. And I do not like you right now. I'm calling DFCS {Department of Family and Children Services which is the child protection agancy in Georgia} and tell them you are ruining my life."

So when I get the the nomination for the Worst Mommy in the World Award for my anger-filled performance in "Ruining Wesley's Life", my fame will spread to all the world. I can just see myself accepting the bad mommy award in prison orange pantsuit via satellite hook up.

I'm off to practice my acceptance speech. "I owe it all to the Advent Calendar and for inspiration for my role, my two former children."

Warning: Parents say things they never thought they say.

I used to think my mom was sometimes a bit strange. Now I know that her children drove her to Strange-ville. I always thought I would be the "cool" parent. The one the kids go to when they want to have fun. Geez, was I off! Dave and I actually are the parents the neighborhood children whisper about on Halloween. Well, me actually since Dave is sometimes a big kid himself.

Picture one of the neighborhood children whispering covertly. "You know, Bobby once went over to Wesley's to play and he came back with his hair combed." Or "Regan's mom is weird. She told us to jump on their bed."

So this is dedication with love and a great deal of guilt to my mom. These are actual rantings.

"Wesley, get your train out of the toilet."

"If someone does not pick up these toenails, you won't like it if I do."

"Zack, drop that dead chipmunk right now."

"Dave, quit being Diaper Head."

"Regan, your dragon is clogging the shower."

"My lipstick does not belong on the grill."

"Please pick up your Lego shirt."

"How are we going to get the salsa off the ceiling?"

"Yes, Build-A-Bear. What do you recommend to clean pee off one of your animals?"

"For the last time, my bed is not a mixing bowl. Get the beans off."

"I do see it but Regan, you should keep the unicorn out of the microwave."

"Who mixed my Dr. Pepper with the ranch dressing?"

"Why are you pouring hydrogen peroxide on the deck?"

"Get the toilet paper out of your shirt."

"You really need to get the reindeer out of the tree."

And lastly, my personal favorite! "Take that doll out of the dog's water bowl and get your Transformer out of the dog good bag."

Warning: Count Dooku and the Geeks are taking over the world.

Wesley was reading "Brain Questions". Apparently, it is a kind of Jeopardy for kids.

Below are sample questions that Wesley read outloud trying to stump me.

Wesley: What monster did Count Dooku change into?
Me: Don't you mean Dracula? Dookou is a Star Wars character.
Wesley: Oh, yeah. Dacula
Me: No. Dracula. D-R-A-C-U-L-A. Dracula is a vampire.

Wesley: What was the name of Christopher Columbus' flagship?
Me: The Santa Maria
Wesley: Ha, ha. Tripped you up. It's the St. Mary.

Wesley: Which civilization was responsible for our system of numerals? The Aarons, Chinese or the Geeks?
Me: Those silly Arabic geeks.

Wesley: What kind simple machine is a crow bar or a liver?
Me: Don't you mean a "lever"?
Wesley: No, it's a liver.
Me: Honey, the liver is an organ inside your body. Look again. L-I-V-E-R is the organ. L-E-V-E-R

Wesley: Who settled at Pluto rock?
Me: The Klingons (I said this in a sarcastic voice)
Wesley: No. Gotcha. The Pilgrims

I let him have it. After all, who can compete with Count Dooku and the Dark Side.

Warning: Trying to pick up a date at a Red Box outside Kroger is not a good idea.

There are several warnings in this post. It is an open letter to that gross looking guy who provided the inspiration for this warning.

1. Trying to pick up a date at a Red Box outside Kroger is not a good idea. Really, seriously? Just because I'm leaning against a vending machine does not constitute an invitation to coffee. I was just waiting for my hubby. There's a boatload of better pickup lines and venues than saying, "Do you use this machine often? Why don't we go over to the Steak and Shake and talk?"

2. If you feel the desperate need for companionship, visit the Dollar Tree store to buy some bifocals and hearing aid batteries. Wesley and Regan were with me although I did try to shake them in the floral department at Kroger. If an aging chubby redhead with two loud bickering children does not deter you, perhaps you need some mental health therapy or at least a 1-900 number to relieve your needs.

3. When I smiled smirked and rolled my eyes at you, I was being polite. I am no Red Box technician but when a sign is posted across the machine that says, "Not in Service", talking to it and asking me for a refund is well, a bit odd.

4. Calling your children the "goons" is a good indicator of that person being sort of mean. Come on...any person worth their salt should recognize that. And you still continue to ask that mean person (me) out. Again, you need therapy, bifocals and a business card for Busty Gals of the World 900 line.

5. Lastly, telling you "Go Away" (I used much stronger language) should make you go away. Finally you left after realizing the noises emanating from the broken Red Box machine was actually Wesley making rude bodily noises in an attempt to repel Regan.

I hope you have better luck at Blockbuster.